A delayed reaction

A very close friend of mine.... extremely close, to say the least... died eleven years ago on May 15, 1998. This is a fact that was not totally lost on me at the time. He was a person that I would come in contact approximately once or twice a year for a 40 year span. However, I had not seen him the two years or so prior to his death. We had had an argument, and as a result were not speaking to each other

Sometime around the middle of May, 1998 I decided that the time had come to try to contact this person and mend broken fences. I sent a letter to an address of a relative in hopes that my overture would be passed on. Instead I received a letter to the effect that this friend had passed away

Well, I filed the information and got on with the rest of my life. It was as if this death of a dear friend was of no consequence. What is the matter with me? I guess I went into complete denial mode

Anyhoo, to make a long story short. A couple of months ago I started getting very anxious about this friend. I went to the Internet for information and sure enough the Social Security death index confirmed what I already knew but for some reason had rejected.

I started having dreams and memories started to come flooding back. From our childhood on, I recalled vivid details.

Why now? Why not ten years ago? What is the point? Do I feel guilty?

I don't know the answer to these questions, I just miss my friend.